Black and White Rainbow

 I ran out of words to describe the way you make me feel, but out of all the words I've used one word that sums them all up is  inconsistent. There are times you make me the feel like the happiest girl alive and other times you make me feel like death. I'm mourning for the life you promised me but have yet to deliver. You're my best friend and I come to you when I feel invisible and I still feel like you still don't see me. The only thing you see with me is yourself. Without actually seeing me in the picture at all. Me being so transparent with you has only made me invisible. I'm just another chip on your shoulder you can't get past. You dust me off as if I'm nothing. You lift me up just to have me crash. When I fall you don't catch me. Sometimes  you help me ice my injuries to cool off. Other times you cut deep just to watch me bleed. Either way the ice always melts. But scars don't always heal. My heart is swollen with love for you. And even when I'm screaming out because of its overflow you mute me. I reach out for your hand you show your nose to the air. I come to for comfort and you give me the cold shoulder. Im just your stage woman you cut me in half for an audience then laugh as you flip the tables on me. None of this can be real, it's all for show. I'm slowly bleeding out from the love I thought I had known. The love I killed to have is killing me. The love I thought I knew betrayed me. Stabbed me in the back thru my heart. The only thing I knew how to follow is now in question with its existence. And now I have no home along with no sense of direction of where next to go. Because how does one follow an empty heart? How does one hold it together while being torn apart? I don't feel safe with my own thoughts anymore. I trusted you with all I had. Drew out all my dreams for you and you did not even care to keep your colors within my lines. You drew all over me, made me colorful. That's how I know not all rainbows are beautiful. Because some rainbows make you want fade to black because sometimes they can only be seen from one angle and they don't always come back. There's no silver linings no pots of gold. Not all endings are happy because there's too many that end in "I-told-you-so"s. I'm bruising myself fighting for us. We were supposed to be a team but I feel like I'm part of business arrangement I didn't agree to. Without reading the small print I'm blinded by the words you never meant. I can't go with my gut feeling because the only feeling it has is from being invaded by you and it's clouding my judgement. And just because  I let down all my walls for you including the ones of my uterus when you impregnated me doesn't mean you'd the same for me. I let you in my box and you still box me out. Even with knowing how I make you feel you never stop to consider my feelings. We're supposed to be climbing but the more I reach out to you I spiral down without your support. I have to lie low because I'm feeding off your lies and empty promises. Your lack of progress is stunting my growth. I'm shrinking. I can't tell what's right from wrong because what feels right is treating me wrong. But still I bleed and still believe. Still I love with no questions asked even when I can't breathe. Even when you see right past me and the tears in my eyes. Even when you brush right past them instead of wiping them aside. Because it's never your loyalty I questioned, it was always your pride. What good is having a rainbow when it never gets to hit the light? What's the purpose of having dreams if you don't get to see them come to life? What good is it giving you all of me when you still won't let me inside? What good is having colors when your colorblind? You can't just go with the flow if you aren't feeling the vibe. And it's clear the only time you feel me is when I let you inside. Otherwise you can't even call to check to make sure we're still alive. You can't see how your suffocating us by holding on to your pride.