Black and White Rainbow

 I ran out of words to describe the way you make me feel, but out of all the words I've used one word that sums them all up is  inconsistent. There are times you make me the feel like the happiest girl alive and other times you make me feel like death. I'm mourning for the life you promised me but have yet to deliver. You're my best friend and I come to you when I feel invisible and I still feel like you still don't see me. The only thing you see with me is yourself. Without actually seeing me in the picture at all. Me being so transparent with you has only made me invisible. I'm just another chip on your shoulder you can't get past. You dust me off as if I'm nothing. You lift me up just to have me crash. When I fall you don't catch me. Sometimes  you help me ice my injuries to cool off. Other times you cut deep just to watch me bleed. Either way the ice always melts. But scars don't always heal. My heart is swollen with love for you. And even when I'm screaming out because of its overflow you mute me. I reach out for your hand you show your nose to the air. I come to for comfort and you give me the cold shoulder. Im just your stage woman you cut me in half for an audience then laugh as you flip the tables on me. None of this can be real, it's all for show. I'm slowly bleeding out from the love I thought I had known. The love I killed to have is killing me. The love I thought I knew betrayed me. Stabbed me in the back thru my heart. The only thing I knew how to follow is now in question with its existence. And now I have no home along with no sense of direction of where next to go. Because how does one follow an empty heart? How does one hold it together while being torn apart? I don't feel safe with my own thoughts anymore. I trusted you with all I had. Drew out all my dreams for you and you did not even care to keep your colors within my lines. You drew all over me, made me colorful. That's how I know not all rainbows are beautiful. Because some rainbows make you want fade to black because sometimes they can only be seen from one angle and they don't always come back. There's no silver linings no pots of gold. Not all endings are happy because there's too many that end in "I-told-you-so"s. I'm bruising myself fighting for us. We were supposed to be a team but I feel like I'm part of business arrangement I didn't agree to. Without reading the small print I'm blinded by the words you never meant. I can't go with my gut feeling because the only feeling it has is from being invaded by you and it's clouding my judgement. And just because  I let down all my walls for you including the ones of my uterus when you impregnated me doesn't mean you'd the same for me. I let you in my box and you still box me out. Even with knowing how I make you feel you never stop to consider my feelings. We're supposed to be climbing but the more I reach out to you I spiral down without your support. I have to lie low because I'm feeding off your lies and empty promises. Your lack of progress is stunting my growth. I'm shrinking. I can't tell what's right from wrong because what feels right is treating me wrong. But still I bleed and still believe. Still I love with no questions asked even when I can't breathe. Even when you see right past me and the tears in my eyes. Even when you brush right past them instead of wiping them aside. Because it's never your loyalty I questioned, it was always your pride. What good is having a rainbow when it never gets to hit the light? What's the purpose of having dreams if you don't get to see them come to life? What good is it giving you all of me when you still won't let me inside? What good is having colors when your colorblind? You can't just go with the flow if you aren't feeling the vibe. And it's clear the only time you feel me is when I let you inside. Otherwise you can't even call to check to make sure we're still alive. You can't see how your suffocating us by holding on to your pride.

Ashes to the air

I'm standing in the crossfire of a burning bridge

All the pieces of me laying in debris 

On one side of the bridge the woman I thought I was 

On the other the woman I wanted to once be

No love lost in the fire 

But the heat that once warmed us 

The heart of the fire turned against us 

Became harmful and the heat burned us

And for the many people who have crossed my path 

They at least left with a smile or a laugh

But what they failed to realize with each time they passed 

Is how every time they crossed me I lost me

And now there's hardly any me left

3 sides

I wish I could put all the blame on you. But it was me who got comfortable and believed you to be true. When I thought I met you before I should have recognized the signs. That it wasn't you individually I knew but I already met your type. So it's my fault because I should have known better. By now I should have learned my lesson. That feeling I got in my gut about you, I shouldn't have ignored it I should have listened. But instead I listened to your smile which cajoled me to believe your every word. When I should have paid attention to your silence towards her and the words I never heard. And even though I asked you about her, and despite the fact that you lied. Nothing can change that everything I wanted to know was right in front of my eyes. Including her who was literally right in front of me. Unlike the truth, her you did not hide. Which is why I'm mad at me for you, and you for her because to every story there's 3 sides. And her side is too familiar to me, it hits too close to home. Which is why I should have known better. I wish I would have known.

Written in the sand

I let you in my heart and you walked all over it. Since then you've escaped me  and like sand the traces of your footprints disappeared. But when the wind blows and others try to touch my heart they poke around to still find the outline of your foot. Over waves of time I tried to brush them away but there's still a weak spot that takes longer to fill. I tried to fill the hole with forgiveness and it sank thru. I tried to fill it with friendship and it wouldn't fit. Then I tried fill it with neglect and just forget you but the hole remained. So I filled it will memories. Particularly the one when we wrote our initials on the beach that day. The violet sky reigned over us as we stayed up all night watching it. In your arms I counted all the stars until I would lose count. I didn't think we would last forever. But I did think you and I would last as long as losing count. The next day our initials were gone. I wonder since then how many couples have written their initials over ours. I know the Atlantic must be seasick from swallowing up so many initials that went sour. But she does her job anyway. And that was enough to make the holes you left in my heart whole again. Just because you are no longer in my heart doesn't mean that you didn't leave your mark. Although I no longer love you the love that I had for you will always remain. That love resembles your footprints, just because they are no longer visible does not mean that they aren't there. 

 

I Know

She sings a joyful song

So that others can be moved

But if you listen deeper into her song

You cannot be fooled

For every High pitched note 

You can hear the truth behind her falsetto 

The pain in her voice echoes around you

In waves as if it were bouncing off of all metals.

I know why the caged bird sings.

It's because it's the only song she gets to call her own.

It's Because even when she is free, 

It's the cage she only knows as home. 

When she feels nothing but pain

She can still mask it with a tune.

So when the fire inside her dies

You won't even be able to smell the fumes.

She does not sing because she is happy,

She does not sing because she is free.

But if you listen deeper to the song

You'll know why this caged bird sings.

I sing because I wants to distract you from all of your sorrows.

I sing with hope that there is going to be a better tomorrow. 

I sing because I put other's happiness as priority before myself.

I sing to mask away all the emotions I myself have dealt.

I sing because it's the only song Ive ever known.

I sing because that's the only voice you'll ever hear as my own.

I am nested safely able to control and manage my own beat. 

When I sing, unlike when I talk, my beak does not point towards my feet. 

When I sing it's the only time I don't have to swallow my pride.

Even when I am free I'm still locked up in my mind.

I sing as if my wings are clipped 

But really I can fly just fine.

If I were to fly however, 

my feathers would probably weigh me down.

All the tears I've hidden in them would pour out,

and I'd be too afraid I'd drown.

I'd rather just keeping singing the same chorus,

Because to me it will never age. 

I'll recite each verse like it's my last

Comfortably from my cage.

The Beginning

No contact, no words
Completely bashful I can't look you in eyes anymore
I glue them tight but even in the dark all I can see is you.
Gravity keeps pulling me closer to you
I attempt to fight it but when I open my eyes I find myself with the view of the bridge of your nose.
I'm hesitant and immobile
Pouted lips, slightly parted you exhale
But not only are you releasing oxygen but the last of your patience. 
You grip the back of my neck so that the empty part between your mouth is filled with my lips molded to match yours.
Our noses leaning against each other there is no longer space between us as you kiss me.
And it's all gentle contact until I finally unfreeze myself to kiss you back.
You bite my lower lip hard enough for me to really feel it but gentle enough for me to not be in pain.
I push back on your teeth with my tongue and you let it go.
Your hand begins to slip from the nape of my neck and you press down on my jawline with your thumb.
The rest of your fingers still holding my neck firmly in place.
Then my tongue it slips thru to your mouth greeted by your own and they begin to introduce themselves
I can taste the mint of your toothpaste and I become fervent all over.
My tongue becomes dominant over yours as the two maintain with vigor.
Your hand slips from neck and falls into my lap.
You place your now sweaty palm on my thigh and squeeze.
But it's in between my thighs that I feel the pressure of your hands.
Startled, I move my face inches away from yours.
Both of our unbalanced breathing is now heard clearly. 
I swallow air hard in the hopes it will travel to my lungs quicker and put a hush to my shortness of breathe.
You slowly slide your hand up and down my thigh.
I can feel your rigid fingertips brush across every last goose-bump you have just created.
And I can't help but stare at them.
You break my eye contact when you reach for my face with your other hand.
You elevate my chin so that my eyes are forced to meet yours.
I stare into the sea of mahogany that surrounds your pupils and I can tell by the way they adress me that you want to undress me.
"Do I make you uncomfortable?" you ask.
I simply move my head in a horizontal motion.
You trace the outline of my lips with your thumb and even though you're barely touching me I feel it deep in the pitts of my stomach.
It feels as if I swallowed a boy scout and they were down there securing a sailors knot in order to earn their merits badge.
You place your head on my chest and begin to leave a trail of kisses on my collarbone.
Slightly sucking at my skin at every mark you stop.
I wonder if you can feel the heat under ny skin, I am hot for you.
You graze your nose across my ear.
I sigh out.
"I want you," you whisper into my ear and proceed to gently nibble on my earlobe. 
A small moan escapes my mouth.
"Do you want me?"
I nod.
"I need to hear you say it. Aloud." You caress my left shoulder leaving it exposed as you unsecure my bra strap that has now fallen out of place.
I moan out, "I want you". In a stactto tone.
Making sure I enunciate all three words so theres not a hint of uncertainty in my voice.
You bite your lower lip then trace it with your tongue.
You cock your head to the side and a smirk appears across your face. 
You pat your lap motioning for me to move there.
I obey and this how it all begins.

Deadheading Black Roses.

When I first met you I was just a seed waiting to grow.

But being with you led me to sunlight and I began to produce consistently.

Our love brought me out of the darkness.

As long as I was showered with your approval my buds were in bloom.

But still my petals weren't fulfilling enough for you to look past the weeds I shared soil with.

 Although everyone has weeds because no flower is perfect.

And even though they weren't hurtful weeds that were an impediment to my devolpment.

They were weeds such as white clover, pretty and more beneficial to the plant than harmful.

And you never truly appreciated their beauty.

My weeds were what made me unique. They complimented my colors.

My weeds are a huge part of me, part of the reason I am the flower I am today.

You only saw my weeds as weeds.

And you began to point them out and tall they stalked me more visible than before.

Then you began to pick at them, then pick them out, and only for a temporary moment were they actually gone. 

Then my weeds grew back wild, ten times as fast, and ten times more strong.

They took over and became competition to my flower.

And the consistency of which I was blooming at began to slow.

These new weeds became so overwhelming that they held back my petals and prevented my potential to grow.

And even though there were weeds in my bed when you met me, now you let them obstruct sight of what we really had.

And soon they grew so aggressively that they began to weigh my petals down.

Shedding one by one  like a game of "He loves Me, He loves Me not" submerging with gravity towards the ground, allowing me to drown.

Not only did you only see my weeds as just weeds but eventually you couldn't even see me.

Even though it's always been all right for everyone to make or have weeds in their bed as long as they learn from them.

 But my weeds did not define me they only refined me, the only flower who needed to learn from them was you.

So busy picking at my weeds in my bed you forgot in your bed you had some weeds too.

Your doubt polluted bad spirits and blocked me from the sunlight.

As I began to wither away, my memories of us decay along with me.

I'm sorry if my thorns scratch you a little on my way down.